What's In Morrissey's Trader Joes Bag?

A cashier at my local Trader Joes in South Pasadena saw my Smiths "The Queen Is Dead" shirt yesterday and proceeded to tell me that the Pope of Mope sometimes shops at their Pasadena Lake Avenue store. Now although I'm not as big of a fan of solo Morrissey as I am the OG Smiths (my favorite band of all time, by the way), I still got the teeniest bit excited and couldn't help but wonder what the Moz leaves with in his reusable canvas tote (if he uses one, that is, which I'm sure he does) Inspired by fellow food tweeter TriceraPops who thinks our favorite pompadoured wailer loves their Frozen Chocolate Lava Cakes, I think it'd be so much fun if we turned this into a game/poll/brainstorming session of sorts. So what do you think Morrissey buys at Trader Joes? My money is on Two Buck Chuck, frozen Meatless Meatballs and Joes-O's.

I Am...The Cheesecake Factory???

If I had a dollar for every I'm-going-to-slit-my-throat-because-this-is-so-boring professional seminar I've attended, I'd be a rich, rich woman. If I had a dollar for every one of those seminars that I actually enjoyed, I'd be damn broke. You know which ones I'm talking about, right?

Diversity Training.

Respect In The Workplace.

Change Management.

Train The Trainer.

The Voice Of Leadership.

Sound familiar???

Of all the cockamamie professional development seminars I've ever been forced to attend, "People Styles" had to have been the lamest. In this particular seminar, each member of the organization had to send questionnaires out to at least three random people they normally work with, and those people would in turn use a scale of 1 to 5 to rate how they felt that you dealt with various issues in the workplace in everything from how closely you followed the dress code to how open you are to new ideas. Based on those peoples' answers, you would then get categorized into one of four "People Style" profiles that show how assertive people think you are as well as how emotionally responsive people think you are.

Drivers are more assertive at the workplace and less responsive to people. They are usually very direct and like fast paces. Translation: Asshole or bitch. Cold-hearted tyrant.

Expressives are more assertive but also more responsive to people. They tend to be energetic and talkative and are generally good team players. Translation: Scatterbrain. Also that guy that won't shut up and rambles in meetings.

Analyticals are less assertive and are less responsive to people. They are critical thinkers who are very systematic and need alot of data and facts. They also prefer to work alone. Translation: Nerd with no social skills.

Amiables are less assertive but more responsive to people. They are great team players and are very people oriented. They also tend to avoid conflict and be more indirect in their behavior. Translation: Pushover who tries too hard to please everyone.

And if getting forced into the confines of four defined categories wasn't bad enough, each quadrant is split into four subquadrants. So not only would you be stereotyped as a fascist dictator at work, but you might be a scatterbrained fascist dictator.

My personal People Styles' profile, you ask? Amiable-Amiable.

The Head Honcho of our department's People Styles' Profile? Driver-Driver.

The point of this whole exercise is to identify how you best work with people (i.e. your People Style), how other people in your workplace like to work, and how to flex your style to work better with those people. Sounds good on paper right? Well yeah, but not when it's literally on paper. The people who ran this thing made a chart thingamajiggy with the quadrants, subquadrants, and people's names within their assigned subquadrant and passed the thing out in a meeting where we went on to have a bullshit discussion about what we learned and how we've applied this to our jobs and how we would use what we learned going forward, yada, yada, yada. So there I was, Ms. Amiable-Amiable--supposedly the person in the department who was the nicest but who also possessed the least backbone--sitting there on paper all by herself, complete extreme polar opposites of our fearless leader, Mr. Driver-Driver--supposedly the meanest, most oppressive asshole of the group. The paper spelled it out: we were not meant to get along.

And then a funny thing happened as time went by: all but one of those people from that particular seminar who were forced into the Amiable category got let go. Including me. Gee, what a coinky-dink.

Fast forward a couple months later when my unemployed broke ass thought it'd be an opportune time to use that gift card I'd had sitting around from none other than the infamous chain restaurant of all chain restaurants, The Cheesecake Factory. Not usually my first choice for a night out with my family, but it was paid for so hey, why not?

As I was flipping though their 150 page menu and trying to decide whether I should play it safe and go with one of their staples like the Chicken Madeira or take a risk and try something new and a little less mediocre sounding, I came across their mantra: "Something For Everyone."

Something.

For.

Everyone.

And then it dawned on me that I was dining at the equivalent of my assigned People Style of the restaurant world. Cheesecake Factory is clearly an Amiable: aims to please everyone at the expense of taking risks. Plays it safe and avoids being too bold. The huge Thai Lettuce Wraps appetizer was tasty but nowhere near as exciting as say, wrapping up Vietnamese cha gio in lettuce and herbs or wrapping up some piping hot kalbi in some lettuce smeared with ssam jang. We ordered some breaded chicken with proscuitto and arugula dish that I can't even remember the name of that was good--good, but not great. Our burger was, well, just a burger. And the cheesecake is the kind of dessert that certainly satisfies any sweet tooth, PMS, or pregnancy craving but is so cookie-cutter that sometimes I'd rather just have a cookie.

And then elsewhere in town, the Expressive restaurants were enchanting their diners with complete sensory overload, the Analyticals were busy being no frills and precise, and I'm sure there were more than enough take-it-or-leave-it Driver restaurants out there pissing some customers off while also maintaining a loyal following. (I'll let you choose the examples since Amiables can't seem to make quick decisions) In a perfect People Styles world, all these types of restaurants and their patrons would learn to flex their behaviors and learn to work well with one another because, after all, it should be one big happy dining community. But really, who are we kidding, right?

As we were finishing our massive, decent-but-nothing-to-write-home-about dinner, I looked around. Despite being a cookie-cutter chain restaurant that plays it safe, lots of people like it. The service is, for the most part, friendly and efficient. Lots of people wait to get a table and gee-guess-what, this place has been in business since 1978. Maybe the Cheesecake Factory and uh, by the way, Amiables in general ain't so bad after all.

So fuck you and your fucking People Styles. Take your typecasting bullshit and shove it up your Driver ass. The Cheesecake Factory is here to stay.

Rock Star Lunch Tour, Day Three: Rockstars Are People Too

Today I did not go anywhere.

I took a break from my Rock Star Lunch Tour and stayed home to clean because my house is a mess.

I ate a salami sandwich for lunch. It was good.

Hey, rock stars are people too.

Lions and Tigers and More Tigers...Oh My!

I can sorta understand Corner Bear Skin Rug Guy because while tacky, some of his rugs could look flokati-esque from very far away.

I can even understand the Corner Flag Guy who sells international flags and Bob Marley wall hangings.

But Corner Tiger Guy I will never understand. Is there such a demand for giant stuffed tigers that this guy sets up shop every single day on the corner of La Brea and Venice? Look, he even has a sign and a little storefront!

So, DG wants to know: who buys these??? Well, he did have a customer while I was snapping away private-eye-style from the gas station across the street, though I did not see her actually purchase a giant stuffed tiger. And if I had to guess, I'm sure this guy shops here too.